Breaking up with a clothing line is hard to do

American Apparel, we have to talk. I’ve put up with you for a good couple years now. I forgave your short-comings because I wanted to believe a place existed where I could afford to buy nice clothing and not feel guilty. I kept making excuses for you, saying the ads were “just a phase” that you would grow out of. I covered my eyes and turned up my music every time I had to walk by this:

And I tastefully hid the back of my local entertainment newspaper that would blow up ads like this on the back:

Today, American Apparel, I’m done. No more excuses. I still love the eggplant t-shirt from you that I had a smiling tofu silk-screened onto. It will always be my favourite wacky summer shirt. But I can’t take this fucked up pornographic shit anymore. It is not artistic; it’s not “edgy.” It’s ugly and objectifying and most of those clothes look horrible on anyone older than eight. There, I said it. I mean, you’re trying to bring back the unitard? Let’s say I spent all day with my legs spread wide open like your eerie underage- looking models, do you think I’d want to be wearing something that creeps up my ass?

Ok, so this didn’t come out of nowhere. It’s been simmering for a while. The last straw was finding out that your owner is a crazier and decidedly slimier version of Joe Francis. And that is saying something.

So we’re done. Don’t bother crawling back with a new line of fun-coloured socks, I am so over you.

 

Buying your girlfriend diamonds buys her body, but her soul costs extra

This ad makes me throw up in my mouth a little. Seriously, monogamy to the 100^th degree? What does that even mean? Well, according to Hearts on Fire:

The difference being a dedication to intensity. There is simply no better word to describe our diamonds or the unique relationships they have come to symbolize over the years. It’s this belief in intensity that drives us to cut and polish our diamonds at 100 times magnification, 10 times the industry standard.

So you don’t just commit to being with one person, you really really commit. And you buy her expensive bling. So she won’t go into the negative monogamy exponentials.

From their ads it’s fairly obvious who is buying the diamond for who- and therefore who is buying “monogamy” from who. Call me crazy, but I don’t actually find the idea of my trust being bought all that romantic. I would rather, I dunno, be with someone who I trust period, bling or no bling.

Sarcasm aside, the implication that you own exclusive use of a woman’s body because you bought her a shiny rock is despicable, and you can tell them so: customerservice@heartsonfire.com. My letter is after the jump, feel free to cut and paste if you’re short for time.

 

PS- I do intend to find something to write about that makes me happy eventually. I promise!